Affairs. Infidelity. Cheating. We are all familiar with these concepts and I guarantee you know at least a handful of people that have been through it, but what happens when the person going through it is you?
Because there is a so much shame around infidelity in relationships, both partners going through it often feel isolated and alone. Unfortunately, infidelity is one of the biggest crises a relationship can experience and not every relationship survives. When couples come to me after the discovery of an affair, they are often experiencing not only a complete relationship crisis, but also individual symptoms of depression and anxiety due to the trauma of the event. If you or a loved one recently discovered infidelity in your relationship you know this all too well.
As a relationship therapist I do NOT have a black and white prescription for partners going through an affair discovery because every relationship and every person is different so you’ll never hear me say to stay or leave simply because there was infidelity. Some relationships are able to weather the storm and bounce back even stronger than before. Some simply can’t move past it at all and end immediately. And some might try working through it the best they can, but never really fully repair.
Here’s what I tell people in the early stages of affair discovery:
- Think of your relationship as having suffered a critical injury. Everything you do right now can affect the course of recovery and the goal is to try to stabilize and stop more damage being done.
- You are not alone ( whether you’re the partner that had the affair or the partner who was betrayed) and there is support out there. Avoiding getting help or working through it due to shame is a guaranteed disaster.
- Be extremely choosy about who you talk to. There are few things that are more divisive than infidelity and boy, do people have strong feelings about it. If you are the betrayed partner and decide to stay in the relationship, you may risk your sibling/ friend/ gym buddy forever hating your partner long after you’ve forgiven them. If you are the partner who had the affair, you may risk humiliating and hurting your partner even further by sharing what happened to an outside party.
- If you are trying to work through the affair and repair the relationship, the affair must stop and the partner who had the affair must be clear and reassure the betrayed partner that it’s over.
- Be careful about sharing too many details. Yes, honesty is important but hearing too many details involving sex and physical touch may further traumatize the betrayed partner and make healing harder. Working through the painful details with a professional can help minimize the damage.
- Find a good couple’s therapist that has lots of experience with infidelity to help you through this. There are a many things couples can effectively DIY, this is not one I suggest. In my experience, the sooner you can make contact and get started, the better the chances of being able to repair.
Affairs are painful and damaging, but they don’t have to be a death sentence. I’m not going to sugar coat it- Repairing is really, really, hard work-but it can an opportunity to rebuild a new, and potentially stronger relationship with your partner.
Yasmine Binghalib is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Specialist licensed in California, Connecticut, and Rhode Island. She has been supporting couples for over 10 years from all backgrounds, neurotypes, and phases of life.